WISH

dont' know it's what i'm going through?
everything seems to be dark and gloomy
with the broken heart and the hidden tears
i still have to fake the smiles
i do want to spend time with you
and want to create whole lot of memories
but when i find you in front of me
i do run out of words and just feel like crying
is this due to the departure i'm about to face?
or as the result of ur deceive on me?
i do want to be like before, the loving brother
and want to love u till eternity
but i wonder if things are going to be the same again
without any hard feelings inside the heart
i wish the same beautiful days would arrive again
and the clock would stop ticking
so that i could find u in front of me with that pretty smile of yours
and the beautiful heart with loads of love, only for me
wish i could hug you and forget all the pain that's within me
and i wish i could get lost with you in the oceans of love
loving you and being loved forever and always

THE CYCLE

amorphous life got some shape
once again the happiness revived
the sun shined into the somber days
everything seemed bright and lively

the season of intimacy and love
resulted to kindle the positive hope
void life worth living again
with lots of love and courage

created whole lot of memories
be that of agony or sheer bliss
every moment has been carved in the heart
and will remain till eternity

the season is about to change
causing the disappearance of sunshine
the nudity of the nature, and fallen leaves
and it is the winter again!!!

THE BYGONES

happiness seems no more to be mine
what i deserve is sorrow and pain
tried hard to forget everything and be loved
got nothing but always a broken heart

an intermittant happiness were there
even that faded away
now only the memory remains
and those beautiful moments to cherish

even the wait used to worth waiting
as after hovering, there would be sheer bliss
but today, nothing seems as before
as everything has mutated into silence and pain

everyone should depart in the end
even we will disperse in our own way
nomatter, i didnt' worth anything to u now
but i vow that u gonna miss my love then

MEMORY REMAINS

The festival is back and ppl are again wandering here and there either for shopping or for the preparation of "Dashain".Lods of crowd in the market and mass of people busy in buying things and it seems the business has again flourised. Happy were all the people and the excitement were being menifested as the festival has come after long interval. It was something very good to see after several months. The environment was totally different and everyone was so happy and satisfied.
Even i decided to go for shopping as i was in need of some clothes. I called a sister of mine and we decided to meet at "kathmandu mall". As it was such a boring day, i somehow reached there and it was good to see her after several days. Now it's time to see the clothes, the most boring part and something i'm not into. Everytime i was in need of clothes, either my mom or my sister used to be there for the selection and to buy the clothes.
We started to wander in various shop but didnt' get the appropriate one which we were looking for. It reminded me of some old memories. I was missing someone who used to be always there with me and helped me in shopping . The same old market with the same old roads and the shops. Only thing that was different was the time and her presence. It was like a deja vu and i was missing her so badly. All the past memories seem to have been refreshed. Completely similar environment, same crowd but only thing missing was her. Her absense was making everything so incomplete and senseless. Though there was felicity and excitement in the crowd, nothing seemed good or enjoying for me. I was lost in my own world,recalling my beautiful past moments and bleeding from the inside for not having her by my side. My angel has gone forever, without thinking of me, never to come back. Be that the festivals or the special occasions, nothing makes sense to me and everything seems to be void. Though lotta happiness will be there, i won't be able to see and grab them happiness. As time has made me so lame and turned me out into something different than i used to be.
The same festival,for which i used to count days, doesnt' mean anything now. Infact,it adds much more pain and tears. When i see others enjoying it, i wont' get jealous but i do feel pathetic for myself. All those days to enjoy and have fun seems to have vanished forever. Life has been covered by somberness leaving the brightness and happiness way far from my reach. Though i wanna be happy, i couldnt' forget everything that happened to me. The disaster that occured in my life which made me numb and compeltely different person from rest of the world.
My lucky charm has indeed gone far away from my reach. She has really become a star which i can see far away in the sky and just feel it. I can't do anything and i really feel so helpless. In every steps of my life, i miss her like hell. Sometimes, i wish she would come back again and make everything as it used to be. If only miracle would happen and every tears would convert into the happiness and every pain into the best moment. But the wishes and dreams are never gonna fulfilled and just a way to satisfy the heart. Wherever u are, i'm missing u each and every moment and just be happy and help me out to be strong and increase my strength so that i could deal with everything that comes in my life.

Exam's Over

Finally done with the exams...6 days and 5 exams without any gaps except in one subject...it was hell of a pressure..however i'm so happy to say that "I did it again"....So scared and worried, i was preparing for the exams with less hope to do well..but my hard work, it came up with the nice colors...Though my exams didn't go excellent,however, it was satisfactory.....Now there's holiday of one month..and the festival is also coming near...but i was thinking like...come on dude "30 days"..what am i gonna do to pass these days??..no plans till now...well, playing cards,couple of can beer, delicious meat items and hanging out with frens will be sufficient for them days to pass....i'm looking forward for it...i'm gonna enjoy a lot and gonna have blast...after all its "dashain and tihar" which is about to come very soon...i aint' happy to tika and puja and all...as i dont' believe and have interest on all these things...what is making me excited is "whole lotta leisure time and company of frens"..damn...i'm really excited.....well guys..."Happy Bijaya Dashami and Dipawali" to all of u...just have fun and enjoy the moment to the fullest....

Exam's Back

6 days from now and there is my board exams. Things are very tensed and the preparation is going on be that any minutes of night or a day. Infact, it has been many days that i havent' even slept properly due to the pressure and stress of exams. Wheneva the exams approach near, i do get nervous and different kind of scary things occupy my mind and heart. There is always a question "WHAT IF??" and that question always relate to negetive thoughts.
As i can't handle the pressure of exams in the calm way, more than holding books, i wander here and there. I feel kind of insecured during the exam times. Mostly, i want to be around my loving ones. Few postive words from them, and the confidence level will rise up high. As if them words are gonna be true and that encouragement helps to deal with any kind of pressure again. Similary, these days i'm having a bad time due to exams. As most of my loving ones are far away from me, i'm missing the awful bad. I just wish i could be with them for some moment so that i could build that confidence again and deal with my exams properly. I am feeling so lonely and so left out. Missing u guys a lot and just make wishes for my betterment.

FEEL

in my anguish, i always remember u
it helps me to refrain the pain
gives me strength and power to overcome the situation

in my leisure, i always miss u
it helps me to pass the time so fast
as time flies by, cherishing the memory we shared

in my pain, wheneva i feel like crying
i wanna share my tears with u
as it makes my heart so light and relieved

when i feel low or down, ur face always comes in front of me
as if the angel has come to me
to restrain me and help me to stand again

in my happiness, i hurry to share them moments to you
as i feel that u'll be more happy than me
and it delights me to see ur charismatic smile

in every verge of life, i always need u
it seems that i've been obsessed with u
as u've already been the integral part of my life

COME AND GONE

When i first saw u
i was feeling awkward to talk
but as we talked, there was intimacy

Gradually, i started to open up myself
vent out everything that were killing me
it felt so good as never before

Initially, u used to be there every moments
standing so tall with charismatic smile in face
helping me to alleviate the pain

Thought i got a loving one in my life
who'll always be there by myside
with hands, holding me wheneva i'm about to fall

With time, things are changing
even you're going far beyond my reach
feels that i'm losing the grip

All those beautiful words and promises u made
it seems to fade away
what remains; is a scar in my heart

Same u, for whom i was ready to embrace everything
is now giving me tears and traumas
guess i dont' deserve ur love and company

Thanx for everything from the heart
for creating those beautiful memories in my life
will live with them moments, though u've gone way far

WORD

OH LIFE...it's so big and we get to go thru whole lotta people.Even i got along with lotta people and was in relationship with them.Some called me brother while other called me a good fren.Days passed by and it has already been 21 years that i've been confronting with people. AS a matter of fact, still i couldnt' figure out;" Who the hell are PEOPLE and their WORDS?".
In this journey, i get to see whole lotta people with love and care as well as those people who happened to be envy of me. I aint' so suprised as this world is the mixture of different kind of people with different kinda attitude. Different people passed out the comments and lotta sweet words. The same words, they were so confusing. People did say them to me but i always thought if they mean them words or they were spitting out just like that.
As for me, i do respect the words. I dont' just say the words or say i wont' make the words so cheap. When some words come out of me, i mean it from my heart. What i believe is that word is so powerful and works a lot. But we shouldn't ever forget that the words always have two meanings. IF some mere words can establish a rocking relationship then again the same words can distort the very rocking relationship. All i wanna say is that, wheneva one says something that it should considered several times.
The other thing is that, only giving some words is only the half done. When u give some words then the other step is to fulfill them. Them words are not the true words if they are not fulfilled. If people think they are not capable to fulfill them words, better stay quiet. So, as the words come out from anyone , he/she should be sure that the words are gonna be real. Mere words will be meaningless if someone aint' capable to make it real. People should possess that capacity can turn out every of their words into something real or they better save them words for the best time when they'll be capable. The thing is that, save words instead of letting it go to waste. As we all know that, words means a lot in this world.

BIRTHDAY

When i woke up and saw outside the window, it was a gloomy morning. The hidden blue sky as covered with the cluster of clouds. No bright sun but it was a dim and cool day. The special day of mine i.e. mine "birthday". Unlike before, there were no any plans. I was just missing someone and was lost in the memories. I was happy to surf in the past memories and the other moment i even cried as my lucky star was not with me and has gone forever. Few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. As i opened it, there were my parents to wish me birthday. Again, i got a call from my sister who is there in States. It was so nice talking with her for several minutes. Though lot of calls and wishes were there for me, I could still see the big void. But nothing the differences as I couldn’t' do anything to mend that void.
With wet eyes, the very day started. After finishing the daily chores, i got a call from my friend. I was informed that we got to meet in the field for the left over work as we were making some small documentary about dalit people. As i was getting ready, i heard a bell and my friend was there to pick me up. Finally, we reached to the field with cameras and whole lot of zeal for the very work. Though it has already been two weeks we've been working in that field, still there was whole lotta courage and enthusiasm among us. We were taking some small steps for the development or upliftment of that small deprived group of people i.e DALIT. Especially, I was very happy for that work as I’ve never done any kind of social work. That work, which we were doing, was blend of fun, pain, tears and frustrations. And due to the very work, it made me realize that i have so many privileges and opportunities to do something in my life.
When i first stepped into that locality, it was like stepping in the whole new world. I felt like i've been living a royal life when i compared myself to them people. Same people, who were relying upon the plastics and few wood as their home. The same home which can be crumbled by the strong winds or furious rain. I was like totally shocked when i saw their lives. Their way of living and the diet they were having, it was so painful to see. I felt so helpless for not being able to do anything for them. All i could do was being involved in the making of that documentary in the hope that people get aware of this small group of destitute people. These people were not only cheated by their fate but they were also the victim of government apathy and the laws of the country.
First time in my life, i celebrated my birthday in such a nice way. Though there were not any specific plans, but the birthday celebration was so awesome. I bought a packet of chocolates and I disseminated them among the dalit kids. There were more than happy to get that which were being manifested in their eyes. They wished me a birthday and we sang and danced. We captured them moment in the camera as well. It was such a beautiful experience to be with the underprivileged kids with whole lotta happiness among them. And i was the reason of their happiness; my birthday, chocolates and the camera. Even the small reason brought whole lotta happiness among the kids. They were lost among themselves enjoying the moments by dancing, singing and laughing and forgetting every pain that they were going thru for some moments. At that moment, i wished for their upliftment and happiness forever in their lives. This moment shall always be treasured in my life and shall never be forgotten ever in my life.

NO WAY OUT

no way to express the pain
feelings occupying and peircing the heart, making it heavy
still tolerating the pain
living life through the dark
life full of sadness and pain

no hope to overcome the problems
adapting the situation is the only way out
since there is fear to trust anyone
coz' the dreadful colors of people has already been seen
feeling so aloof, livin' life in hell

living alone in sadness though surrounded by crowd
since there ain't sense of lovingness in anyone
as everyone is so selfish just living for their own sake
noone doesnt' ever care nor intrested to share the pain
just lettin' me burn alone

couldnt' draw anything out of this life
and it seems like burden to live
just livin' for other's sake
with a hope that endin' will come soon
and would be much happy to be free from this world

Most of the time i feel down and low
feels like i'm wasting my life over here
i dont' belong in this earth
i wanna fly high to the heaven

missin someone every day and night
with eye full of tears and pain in the heart
still nothing the differences
as one has gone alone forever so faraway

find her most of the time in my dreams
smiling at me and loving me soo much
when i wake up she again disappears
so i wanna sleep forever

i wanna go to her very soon
and surrender myself in her arms
coz' I never got hers enough of love
wish i could die to get a last hug from her

WHEN DARKNESS FALLS

it makes me sad when i see you (in this condition)
the phases and the pain you are goin' thru
when i see you sad even i dont' feel good
i'm tehre to help you doing everything i could

its time to start a new life so just move on and on
stop blaming yourself and focus on the things to be done
dont' let youself down thinkin' what other's mite have felt
life is meant to enjoy rather than making it like a hell

look around and you'll find people praying for you
just try to smile for them,then you'll know
the proper meaning of life and the definition of happiness
and you'll feel that you're the one who's blessed (with the greatest gift ever i.e "LIFE")

FRENS FOREVER

The more you want to know and the deeper you'll go without a chance of finding proper and satisfactory answer, is what I think "life" is. Sometimes it makes you feel so low while sometimes it makes you ever so proud. In this life, the game of gain and loss cycles on. I am beginning to understand now why they call life a mystery. It is so true that life is uncertain, for things emerge such unexpectedly. And sometimes get stranded on the road, waiting for what was sure to come, yet vanished somewhere in the fading time. It was the same old boredom written all over my life when I got to talk to a girl via my sister. In fact it started with a joke when I talked to her (Shreya) pretending to be my dad. And there, she fell for it. The days went by and I happened to see the her in my sister's hi5 (site) list. I was glad to see the victim of my pranks. Then the very day I sent her a message through hi5 and to my surprise her response was a real warm one. From that, I got her mailing address and started mailing her. The way she used to reply made my days. Her mails encouraged me, gave me hope and zeal to see another day. Gradually, we started to talk on the phone and I used to enjoy those moments to the fullest. To be honest, I used to wait for her call for her words were so encouraging, helping me to get out of the pain and trouble I was going through. I truly appreciated her each and every word. And I used to think, there existed someone like her as well on this earth, who cared and helped the one she hadn't even met.Me who was bullied and was blamed by many close ones, was accepted as a friend in such a short period of time. I could see her true and unselfish love for me as a very good friend. She was the one who laughed and even cried with me. We shared and cared and above all trusted each other. I got such a friend when I was going through the worst of the phases and in such an incredible way. I could easily trust her and blindly shared everything that was making my heart so heavy. At that time I realized, you don’t just lose but sometimes also receive the necessities in the journey of life.
One day we fixed a venue to meet and we enjoyed the day to the fullest. Though we had talked on the phone several times, that day was the first time we met. Even then, there was none of the awkwardness or odd feelings between us. That was such a nice day. After that, to talk to her was in my daily routine and the time I enjoyed the most in the day. We began meeting frequently and her name was added to my true friend's list in very small interval of time.
My life where I was drowning in negativity and frustration, took a turn into a sparkle of joy just due to that friend of mine (the same gal who had become victim of my pranks few months ago). Now I'm so close to her that I fear how if I shall ever be able to depart from her. Will I be able to spend my days without talking to her? Few days back, it was my birthday. I was missing my sis so much that day. And I didn't have any programs to celebrate due to my boring exams. As I finished my exams, I thought to give her a call and we decided to meet at Basantapur (my favorite hangout). That day she bought me some pastries and some food and we ate together. It felt like a kind of a small celebration. I could read her eyes; she wanted me to be happy that's why she was there in a single call. She wanted me not to be sad and she was trying her best to bring me out of that pain and tried to give me some smiles. Though we celebrated that day, I promised to give my birthday treat after two days.
And it was today we met. As usual we decided to meet in Newroad and I was so excited to meet her and her friend wearing my torn jeans (the jeans that my sweet sister had sent me) as I had promised to wear them only on that day. As always, I arrived late and made them wait for 25 minutes in the rain. I was so happy to see Shreya and Abhusani (Shreya's best friend and now mine as well). Though I was late, they had smiles on their faces on seeing me. We headed towards the restaurant and I started to show my nonsense behavior with them laughing to the fullest. We had our lunch and it was time to open the gift. To my surprise, in there was such a sweet card, which they had made with such a great effort and love. Come on, I was so astounded to see all of them. At that very moment, I was so proud to have such friends. I felt there was still someone who loved me and took me for a good friend. All those people who hurt me faded away and I just kept watching the two of my friends who were with me right then. There were no words in me to thank them. Their words in that card, each of them, was so strong that it went deep and gave me joy from the within. They have proved to be the best. They just accepted a guy as a friend who was in such confusion and was so depressed. They reminded me how to smile and how to make others laugh.They just helped me to be the same Bibhor I used to be. It was like I was lost somewhere in the middle of the way and they came to guide and show me the way to live.
As they say, happiness doesn't last long and after every happy moment you should go thru sorrows as well. The same thing is going to happen with me. Both of them won't be here with me after few days. One is going to USA and the other to China. They gave me such happiness and now they will be taking with them all those smiles. I am wondering how I will be able to spend my days without talking to them and meeting them. In my case, every time there comes very tough way and hard blows from the life. And I keep on thinking; why life is playing such a game with me and why always with me?? Why should we meet if we have to depart??? I'm realizing that happiness isn’t meant to last for a long period and I truly agree in that saying "Happiness is the gap between two sorrows". They came in my life suddenly and filled the gap and made it beautiful and they'll be leaving me after a few days.

Message to my greatest friends:
You people have proved to be the best. You people saved my life which was drowning in hell. All of a sudden, due to you guys, my life again started to bloom with happiness and smiles. Credit goes to both of you; my sweetest and greatest friends. You are the ones who helped me to become happy again and returned my smiles. You guys encouraged me and helped me to be strong in each and every moment.I don't know if I’ll be able to continue the same in your absence. Hope you people will be like this forever and I don’t think the distance could affect our love and affection. I love you guys and I swear that I can do anything for you. For you guys, there is very big space in my small heart. Don't you ever hesitate to take my help or to remember whenever you need me. You rocked my life buddies and guess I won’t be able to do all those to you that you people did to me. I unexpectedly met you people and see how soon I'm going to lose you (the biggest irony of life). I won’t stop myself from crying on that sad day when you'll leave me. Just try to preserve our friendship and I'll try my best to make this bond stronger. You people are greater than the words can ever express. Finally, I would like to say that you people will be attached to my heart forever and always. Sorry I couldn't give you anything in the return except a big thank you. Thanks for being there and for standing so tall.

ANGUISHED

everywhere there is felicity and celebration
but me just sitting within the four walls
with a wounded heart accompanied by the solitude
recalling the past memories;which is deadly than the disaster

noone to be with and tears be the best frens
crying alone and the scream being supressed within the walls
life again adding much more pain in it
by giving hard blows and twisted ways to follow

still adapting the hard situation
living with a hope, for life to be as before
that is full of happiness and smiles
but in vain, as my reason to smile has already left forever

forgetting all the promises she made
with a decision to never come back again
just letting me burn in the huge flame forever
with a big scar in my heart till the day i die

BROKEN

livin' with the agony as covered with gloom
dark is everything and hard to gait
hard to trust and deem others
just suffocating within these walls

not even a sign of happiness
big hole in the heart
driven by thoughts and memories
wet eyes everyday and night

tryin to embrace the situation bravely
failure and pain, the result is
broken in many situation and hard to be back in normal
and then cherishin' the moment spent together

life, just driftin' with the time
pretendin' to be happy ,hidin' the pain
hard to persist and explodes with tears
nothing the differences, as one has gone to never comeback

HATRED

used to have dreams to soar
but today i'm lyin' helplessly on the floor
life didn't ever open its door
don’t wanna live this life anymore

couldn’t stand the rays and lights
coz' i'm in love with this dark
walkin' alone; noone seems to be mine
that’s the reason why i'm dyin'

livin' this burdensome life thru tears
don't have anymore power to bear(pain)
everything’s blurry, nothing seems clear
wonder till when my heart shall sear

God has been deaf forever in my turn
none He gave; snatched all, left me to burn
if God could ever hear me and my prayers
I’d want him to take me far far away(from earth-here)

Kathmandu's Most Wanted

If you see this guy around, inform his ...............> @#%&()^$*^

EMOTIONS

when i close ma eyes, ya always come on ma sight
becoz' of that i couldn't sleep throughout the night
i think i am in love with ya ma dear
i can do anything for ya i swear
i couldn't say i love ya coz' i fear
waitin' for that day when ya say the things that i wanna hear

ya are the most beautiful gal that i have ever seen
your eyes , lips,hope ya understand what i mean
the words are not sufficient for ya to adore
give the keys to open ya heart's door

nothin' ever does get into me coz i love ya so much
don't ya ever try to leave and make decisions as such
u know i love ya more than words can ever say
it's incresin' and filling my heart day by day

My love for you is an obsession that I can’t get over
Don’t decide in a hurry, this decision will affect me forever
Don’t play with ma heart please girl
Because for you I’m willing to give up the whole world.

I HATE YOU

I was hurting so badly and you were my need
instead of holding me, you stabbed my heart and made it bleed
I should have realized that much before
but now my heart is wounded, it's tore

I loved you so much and spent many moments together
I was expecting this relationship to go more further
you didn't even object when I held you in my arms
now, you are running from me as if I'll harm (you)

you showed such a fucking behavior and then stopped talking to me
you must be waiting for me to bend my knees(in front of you)
you played with my pure love as if it were an act in a drama
thanks a lot for hurting and giving me a whole lot of trauma

I wanna thank you for giving such painful and bitter moments
for this, I don't have anything for you as a compliment
now I don't wanna see your face as I hate everything about you
now I'm wondering why I ever loved and trusted you

you are a great player of love games and breaking hearts
ya should be awarded coz' it seems you've mastered the art
I was such an idiot, a dumbass, who couldn't figure out a thing
I was loving that gal blindly, who was there after me to sting

They say if u dont'

They say if you don’t go through pain, you won’t know the proper meaning of life. To some extent it sounds true but if you go through excess pain then what you end up with are deep gray shades…meaning of life in all its negativity. A good result demands a balanced proportion. So, if you’ll go through pain and only pain then you will start to hate your life. Your way of thinking and your perception will be full of negativity. Nothing can be figured out in the proper manner and everything seems to fade away. You begin to loathe your life so much that its very worth disappears leaving you with strong urges to simply end it. But you know that what you got to do is live on…live on a life you loathe. And that’s when another serving of frustration settles in. Still you live on and on and on…a living corpse, you live on.
I have had many happy moments but the pain in my life heavily exceeds all those moments of joy. I have lost…so much. Life has played bitter games with me…and it continues to do so. Life took the worst of turns and with that, snatched away all happiness and has left me with a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Life has given me a scar so deep that I shall never heal. Till the day I die, that scar shall remain in my heart…searing and gaping.
I have always tried to stand bold against those problems. In doing so, I’ve realized that when they said ‘nothing is impossible’, they didn’t really mean it… for in life, at times, if you try to do one thing then the exact opposite is what ends up happening. In my life, the things I wished for and worked for with all my heart never did become mine. It seems like what I’ve dreamt and hoped for is coming to me but then something unexpected always happens and right before me, my dreams all vaporize into mists of shattered hopes.
Life is playing tough games with me and I don’t know till when this will continue. Lost, scarred, I am left with a deadened wonder - will life ever lead me to a moment where for once, I can be happy…?

Hello World

If there is a thing that appeals me it's word.

Word and word and word........................... Humans are advanced because they can speak and write and read. Word is the mystery behind their success.

Blogging is in vogue these days. So why not to experiment with it? I will be writing regulary; if I cannot, I will be posting my darn old write-ups at least.

Now begins my voyage of blog.
Wish me best of luck.